Obviously it has been a while since I wrote. Things have changed. Some for the better and some for the worse. Let’s start at the beginning.
Losing your job sucks. Losing your job due to something out of your control sucks in one way, losing it because of something in your control hurts for a different reason. Humans like control, so it is obvious when circumstances change and you deem it out of the realm of your control it isn’t easy to swallow (if it is a bad thing). So no longer being the Director of Student Ministries for a group of kids I loved hurts because I feel it was (at least partially) out of my hands.
But then there is the other one, and for me this is the one that is harder to take. Losing my job because I didn’t meet/exceed expectations feels roughly like a kick to the solar plexus (Wiki for more info). I know that my departure was, at least, a blend of these things. And the second part is not easy for me to admit.
I have decent self-esteem. I have great friends and family. I have an amazing wife and 2 dogs that love me. The funny (or interesting) thing is that when my pride was damaged, the positive support I received from those sources seemed to weigh less on my pride scale than the “you aren’t doing a good job here so we no longer need your services” thing. As a matter of fact, I am not sure I am back at the level of self confidence I was at 3 months ago still to this day.
It is so easy to focus on my ego being hurt and neglect the bountiful blessings that “overflow my cup” in my life. But here is the TRUTH (and where I need to be focused):
“You revive my drooping head;
my cup brims with blessing.Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life. “Psalm 23:5b-6a
I love that Psalm (and the diction Peterson uses in his paraphrase). I always liked that Psalm and I applied it in the sport realm frequently (when I played sports where the outcome “mattered”). It was my battlefield. But it amazes me how some 7 years later, I find this Psalm to speak to a completely different part of me.
It is is in the quiet moments (or the loud ones) and the scenic sunsets (or the grey rain drizzled days) when I notice something. God’s beauty and love is chasing after me. The world may not want me but he does. And he’ll chase after me. It happens at such random times, as you can tell from my description before this. In the chaos and turbulent times in my life God still chases after me. I am worried about my pride. What others think of me. If I am a failure in their eyes. My ego kicks in to say that one day I will be great at something and love doing it, only to be hushed by my fears and doubts and worries. And all of a sudden God catches me while I am running full sprint from him. Running away to the doubts. And he reminds me it isn’t about my pride. It isn’t about me at all. It isn’t even about what “they” say. It is about his beauty and glory and love.
I have no idea why a love so pure would waste his time chasing after me, especially after I have been told I am not good enough by my peers or co-workers or friends, but wow is it something to be thankful for.
Agápē!
We love you and are proud of you. Did it occur to you that just because somebody said you are not good enogh doesn’t make it true. Pick up that ego and go forth and prove them wrong, wrong, wrong.